“King Solomon once searched for a cure against depression. He assembled his wise men together. They meditated for a long time and gave him the following advice: Make yourself a ring and have thereon engraved the words “This too shall pass”. The King carried out the advice. He had the ring made and wore it constantly. Every time he felt sad and depressed, he looked at the ring, whereon his mood would change and he would feel cheerful.” (The Story of King Solomon)
This is a very personal post today. I want to share one of the darkest periods of my 34 years of life so far. It was the time when I was studying and when I suffered from a clinical depression or major depressive disorder. It was an extremely difficult and numbing time but it taught me a lot and I came out of it pretty strong.
My intent is to show what I have learned from it, how I came out of it and to inspire people who think they are in a hopeless situation right now.
The Event
I started university when I was 18 years old, right after school. When I just turned 19 I suffered a strange event right after a tennis match. It started with sight-problems, I lost the ability to see at the focus point of my sight, I could see everything around it, but the very point I was looking at in the center became blank. Then I lost the ability to speak the words that I wanted to speak, I still could think them, but when I opened my mouth it was pretty weird stuff. My friends around me laughed at first and I got pretty uneasy … If you are 19 years old, if you are any age and something like this hits you, it scares the hell out of you. Besides of that I got a tickling feeling in my left arm and leg. I lay down for a while and it lessened in degree. I could see and speak again the next day. Yet the creepy tickling stayed for a while and altogether I felt pretty disturbed …
Until today I’m not quite sure what it was exactly and doctors could not find too much. I think it was a circulatory disorder in the brain or even a minor stroke. Even when I am writing about this today, I still have a very strange feeling and body-sensations about it.
Unfortunately that event was the starting point downhill. I searched for answers to this really unpleasant experience. As a 19 year old you really are not very easy about your body breaking down like this without any warning. My mind went desperately looking for answers. So I went to my doctor in the hope of competent help and some reasonable explanations. I could not have gotten more disappointed with the approach of my doc, even the other one in the medical office did some very nice measuring of blood pressure and telling me some easy-going story. In my state of anxiety and uncertainty I really was not happy with that kind of treatment. I mean I lost the ability to see and speak for half a day. I don’t think this is properly examined by measuring blood pressure?!? Still I needed explanations why my body ceased to obey my orders so completely. The doc transferred me to a physicist who tried all kind of equipment on my cardiovascular system. Nice move! … but really not so helpful for my psyche at this time. At this point I wanted to have my neurological functions checked out and also to see if there is any brain damage, because I felt worse with time. My parents also seemed unable to help in any way. So it begins to dawn in me that there really is nobody there who understands anything, including me …
The Aftermath
My psychological situation got worse, I felt hopeless, misunderstood and very ill. Looking back now I see that out of the hopeless situation I developed my anxiety and fear of being seriously neurological ill into a depressed condition. After my condition went really downhill then, I lost more control over myself and my environment. It seemed to me that I became unable to help me in any way and the people around me were even more incapable to help. Because I felt so much wrong and stupidly treated by any doc and they seemed to be looking in wrong places, I became convinced that I’m lost with some kind of brain disorder, possibly a tumor or any similar thing that is going to kill me in the end. I really lost any trust in doctors and what was even more devastating was to see that even all other people around me, my family and friends could not help either. That was frustrating and adding to my depression.
My thoughts went in circles without finding any solution out of it. This is very typical in developing a depressive disorder. It is learned helplessness, the mind struggles to find answers but can’t and then thoughts and emotions repeat until it gets out of control:
Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation. (Wikipedia)
Additionally the problem for me was that it all was about my mind, I was convinced that there is something seriously physically wrong in my head. If you recognize such a pattern of repeating thoughts in you, the best way is to make a clear decision and then act directly from there. Or to let it go completely and turn your attention to something else, if that is an option. It is important to get competent treatment for depression, it is a serious illness. Seek for competent people, the internet may be helpful here.
Clinical Depression
At this point I already had developed a clinical depression. Whether the initial event had any impact on this or it was just my feeling of being lost by the bad treatment I got, I don’t really know. And I’m convinced today that the treatment was bad. If I get a 19 year old patient who lost sight and speech for half a day, I take any neurological and psychological problem into account. In case that you don’t know the condition of a clinical depression or major depressive disorder, there is a biochemical disorder in the brain where the neurotransmitters have been implicated. It is not to be confused with a temporary sadness or feeling down which can usually be changed by changing something in the outside world.
My energy went to the floor. I was just not able to lighten up any more. Laughing and smiling was just a mechanical act. The ability to think more deeply was gone. All in all it was the worst condition I could imagine. Thoughts of suicide really went through my head, because life at this level was really totally meaningless. It was a burden, nothing more.
If you know someone or expect someone to have a depression, the worst thing you can do is try to lighten the person up or even worse: try to motivate them by saying something like “Come on, it’s not that bad!” etc. The person is just not able to lighten up, there is only emptiness. I felt like the inner animating me was gone. Another friend I had suffering from depression said “Life feels like standing on the fast line with cars passing by and you are not part of it.” The best thing you can do is be understanding, try to really understand and then let impulses emerge from the person.
It got so strange that I totally lost the ability to recognize the meaning things in my environment had to me. My consciousness was dull and confused: I really lost touch with reality at this point. I could not differentiate between the meaning of a chair standing in front of me and a person. What meaning does the chair have anyway? Have you ever asked yourself that question? ;)
Somehow I still managed (on my own demand, my doc did not made any effort) to get myself transferred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed depressive syndrome and prescribed antidepressants, which showed no effect until at least 6 month or so. I also managed to persuade the psychiatrist to make a magnetic resonance tomography to finally check if my brain is still all right. That was very important, relieving to me, when I finally got proof that I’m not terminally ill but it is mainly a psychic condition.
Coming back to life
This process was approximately a year. It went sideward from here for about another half a year and then slowly upwards. I continued my studies of computer-science but was really not in the best condition to get something done. Before the event I got a 1.0 in my last test, now I was struggling to get 3.0. My whole studies were deeply influenced by my depression. When I started studying I was totally looking forward to discover and learn, now that was not present anymore. It was disappointing and yet interesting to see how my friends behaved. Some behaved nearly destructive by calling me dumb (in a depressions your cognitive functions are slowed down massively). Others were supportive and I value that very much until today.
In the end I did not finish my studies which went not so well as I imagined when I began, but started a venture about a new passion that developed slowly at this time: a business in online gaming.
The whole thing took about 8 years until I was completely free again from any depressive signs. To describe the condition again very precise: my consciousness was numbed. When I started to write my personal journal, which marked a turning point in my life back in 2005, I can remember asking the question to myself: how do I know, that I am 100 percent conscious again, at the level I was before the depression? I could not answer that question at this moment, but worked towards this goal.
What I have learned from all of that
1. Responsibility. Besides of that I learned something very profound a very hard way: I alone am completely responsible for my life. Nobody else, there is no safety net. My parents, doctors and everybody I encountered was no real changer. Basically I had to do it all by myself. I learned that I am responsible.
I belief that everything that happens in life has a seed of positive change, we just have to look for it. Besides I nearly lost at least 5 years of my life in my twenties, I am pretty grateful for what happened and what I could experience and learn from that early on. It matured me incredibly. And learning to take full responsibility for myself was really extremely useful.
2. This too shall pass. I also learned that I can handle such a difficult and almost hopeless situation and come out of it to build a successful company and fulfill important goals within 2 years by the willingness for personal growth. It clearly shows that there is always a tomorrow. And however hopeless a situation may seem, hang in there! The situation will change, even by smallest steps first. Then you will become able to improve it again. You will get through it, there is a light at the horizon, even if you can’t see it now – it is there waiting for you!
3. To grow consciousness is the most important thing. Looking backwards today on what I have written in my journal 3 years ago, still under slight influence of the fading depression, I am amazed about my questioning about consciousness. The numb feeling was really a very low level of consciousness. It was like consciousness pulled back and needed to be encouraged to show and eventually flower back again.
Secondly the feeling of losing the inner me in my deepest depression is also amazing. As far as I understand spirituality today, the delusion of the illusion of the ego (as the me) is the goal and byproduct of awakening, which is the growth of consciousness.
Today I am completely free from any depressive moods and I think I am a very happy and conscious person. I missed a lot because of it, but I learned a lot from it. It was an extreme experience I really wish no one to have. But nevertheless I am thankful for what it has taught me and I used this awareness. Thanks for reading.
What a life story!! I’m so glad to learn that you emerge a much stronger person.
I am just wondering whether you know what triggered your condition. Also, how did you take charge of yourself? Was it from the assistance of your psychiatrist or psychologist? Did you read books or just sheer determination to pull through in the end.
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map´s last blog post: How Would You Cross The River?
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I know others will benefit from learning about your journey. Sharing our stories reminds us that we are not alone. It is uplifting. And I appreciate your courage to share. I know I will share this post with others!
Stacey / CreateaBalance´s last blog post: Yes, Oprah Really Did Call Me
Stacy, I hope so, yes it is really something I would have needed back then. I found a lot of support later using the internet mainly. The internet is a great medium for connecting about special topics. :)
Hey Myrko, that’s one really great inspiring story. I agree completely with point number 3 – nothing else really matters except growing consciousness. All happiness comes from the inside, we just have to be conscious of it :)
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net´s last blog post: 6 Immediate Fixes for Breaking Bad Habits: Behavioural Mastery, Part 4
Evelyn, to answer what triggered the condition: I think the first event was a purely physiological phenomenon. I think it was a minor stronke or at least a circulatory disorder in the brain.
The more important trigger was the helplessness to deal with the situation and to get help from other people. It is a typical way to develop a depression (s. also http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness ). The problem was that there was no explanation for what happened (loss of sight and speach) and no attempt to take it serious from the outside. I became convinced that I am physical ill in the brain. So with the initial event my psyche developed the condition then.
As I wrote: I was the only one who put things into the right direction. I told my doc that I want to go to a psychiatrist, I told the psiachatrist that I want to have a tomography. All these things were necessary for me to heal. I somehow was still able to do these right things and I learned responsibility in an extreme way.
The docs (4 of them) had no real impact at all. I totally lost faith in docs that way. If I go to a hospital or even a check-up, I know that I am responsible for to whom I go and what happens. I think I am a kind of tyrann for any doc today, because I want to know every detail :)
So yes, in the end it was pure determination to live.
Deep honor and respect for your courage and forthrightness in sharing. Humbled to read your steadfast belief in completing your journey. Perhaps the goodness that was commuted in relating your triumph will bless us in ways we will soon enjoy having the light of your victory to split our own darkness. Sending respect light and love along with deep thanks.
One Love
I fairly understand your experience, I can’t say I went through the exact same thing but me too had health problems which doctors couldn’t exactly point out what it was then I was mentally and emotionally going crazy…and physically. I did not admit the fact that I was depressed because of all these events but after I admitted it and tried to come back up in my life..I did. Took couple of months. A lot of self growth books, healthy diet, change of lifestyle, positive thoughts, and more but consider my age, I have experienced and grown a lot… :) Keep the blogs coming. i love it.
Hi Myrko. At the end of your post you wrote, “Thank you for reading”. I have to say Thank You for writing! I have a lot of respect for your courage and perseverance. Depression is an ugly word and rightfully so! The statement your friend made, “Life feels like standing on the fast line with cars passing by and you are not part of it,” is so true. I’ve felt like that before. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I believe this will send some hope to a lot of people.
Myrko,
Wow, you went through quite a bit my friend. It is uplifting to see that you grew from your depression. Learning from troubled times makes us stronger. I will take your three lesson learned to heart.
Thanks for posting this…
Brian
Hi Myrko,
Thank you so much for the courage to tell us about a very painful, but powerful time in your life.
Your story resonated with me on several levels.
1. We must never forget that only we are responsible for our lives.
Even though we are not medical doctors or psychiatrists, we are the only ones who can measure the severity and intensity of our body and mind sensations. For this reason we must educate ourselves so that we can be activate participants in our diagnosis and treatment.
I’ve experienced driving anxiety twice in my life that was so bad that I spent hours planning my route before going anywhere, trying to avoid the freeway mainly. When on the freeway I started to feel lightheaded and felt like all the traffic around me was going to fast. Living in a car culture in So. California, this dictated the course of life for over a year.
To make matters worse, I was also anxious when I was a passenger in a car as well.
My first visit to a doctor convinced me that she wasn’t going to be any help. She prescribed a medication that had a warning: Do not operate heavy equipment or vehicles while taking this medication.
So, like you, I was on my own to find a proper diagnosis and solution.
2. Everything that happens has a seed of positive change.
It’s the efforts we put forth to rise above and work through our problems that strengthens us.
It sure is hard to see it this way when you’re in the throes of pain, anxiety, depression of any other debilitating condition. But it’s true nonetheless.
Thanks again for your self-disclosure. It means a lot as part of my own self-growth.
Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.´s last blog post: One Small Thing, One Monumental Moment
Thank you for your moving story from the heart. I believed that depression stretches your consciousness allowing for a greater capacity for compassion and understanding. Although, at the time of depression, like stress, your experience of the world becomes a very narrow or flat.
Aaron
Thanks all for the kind comments on this post.
Kim, I learned that there are many people with similar stories. It is really amazing how many people shared similar personal stories with me. After all, depression is not uncommon: “Approximately 18.8 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a depressive disorder.” – http://www.depression-guide.com/depression-statistics.htm
Davina, depression seems still to be unterrated. First there is the possible misconception that it is the same thing as a bad mood. Secondly it is just, that you cannot possibly imagine the state if you was never in it. It is very, very without meaning, energy and joy. In that way it is almost like the experience of spirituality, I had a hard time explaining that, too – although that’s on the opposite side of the spectrum of consciousness and very positive and energizing :)
Brian, it is a fact the we learn the most from negative experiences (or failures). You can learn from positive experiences, but learning from negatives ones comes more naturally it seems. Unfortunately ;)
Flora, I like to add to the note about responsibility for ourselves: the whole experience, which took several years, really removed the belief that there is someone taking care of me, other than me. To say that you are the only person who is responsible to help you is a pretty harsh statement, but in the end it is true. It may be nice or we are lucky if there are people in our lives that do and CAN take care, but you can’t count on it. The only person you must count on is yourself. That’s what I learned in this situation.
Aaron, I am certainly thankful for the lessons it taught me. It really helped me to mature. Maybe it even had a spiritual component to it, which at this time I could not discover.
hello I read your story and It feels like i can relate a little. My name Is Juan and I am 29 years old. About 7 months ago I began to be in a depressive state. I would wake up early morning thinking i was going crazy with anxiety. I couldn’t control it since then I feel a pressure in my head and I am tired most of the time. I am going to the gym and I am going to a psychiatrist that works with homeopathy and doing neurofeedback which is a treatment that supposedly regulates brian waves. I feel like I have lost myself or that I am going crazy. I am a bit scared of antidepresants an thier side effects. I feel like i am looking for answers and nothing works. I want to believe this will pass but is hard to see. I want to learn and move on with my life ( plus I am recently engaged) but sometime I feel like there is no answer and i am afraid of loosing more. I am fighting with every single fiber that i have but I feel very discouraged. Reading your story makes me want to keep fighting but i feel like fighting a ghost or that i am completely lost. thanks
Hi Juan, I can feel what you are saying, especially if ou say “I want to believe this will pass but is hard to see.” I know this state well and one thing is for sure: “This too shall pass.” Even if you really don’t feel anything of an improvement or change, this is typical in a real depressive state: the inability to feel deeply. It helps to keep going from a pure rational perspective. Your state will improve gradually. In my case it took about 2-3 years until for my standards I was “working” and another 3-4 years to get to where I want life to be, from a purely internal perspective.
What also helped me tremendously was to look what this is teaching me? What is there to learn. I know that it is hard if you are in the depressive state, because nothing makes sense or gets you going. That’s ok for the moment. It will and has to change – it’s the nature of things, they change from good to bad and vice versa.
So as I wrote in the post, I learned to get totally self-responsible and self-determined. There are benefits in even such hard times. Especially in hard times. What is there to learn? A new experience, new insights and new ways to master the task of life. How can you take that little opportunity and build on it?
It’s also good to know what triggered the depression. I learned that it can be triggered biologically, but it seems to me that it is mostly triggered psychologically. Depression often seems to be learned helplessness – a situation where you can’t get control over (as you think) and feel helpless. In my case it was the assumed terminal illness approaching in my brain, and nobody did anything about it – I was clearly helpless. I had to convince myself, that this terminal illness is not real and that symptoms have other, controllable reasons. Anxiety attacks and so on – for me – were only by-products then. From the day on I had the results of the computer tomography I got back on track. So it helps to find reasons of this learned helplessness and change them.
I used some anti-depressiva but it took at least 3-6 month to feel any small effect. In general I believe they are helpful, but it is much more important how you manage and fight within yourself. I never look for an outside fix, the “fix” comes from within.
So also if you (or anybody with a depressive disorder) don’t feel like it, hang in there because change has to happen and you can benefit from this experience on many levels.
Of course I can only talk from an experience I had and mastered myself, it’s not any professional advice. But if you (anybody) want to tell or ask anything, don’t hesitate.
Your story brought tears to my eyes, I completly related to the things you were saying (especially about the mind going in circles, not finding any answers but just delving deeper and deeper into repititive thinking) I think your right in saying it wasnt what happened to you that day which caused your depression, but your thoughts of helpness’s and lonliness which came afterwards scared then caused your depression. the things you have said you have leanred is basically what i have learnt from my expereince but you put it into a clear sentence! Do you still get the feeling that your depression is lerking in the back of your mind but your mind is ignoring it but it is tempting to try to search it out again? because that is what feel like now. I have heard depression can begin again when more stressful situations arise. I was just wondering whether you have any adivce on how you deal with stressful experiences without delving slowly into depression?
Would really appreciate your advice as am trying REALLY hard to stay “stronger” and the more adivce the better!
Weakened, hello :)
No, I don’t have this feeling about an depression in the background any more. But I had it for years. I finally overcame it about 3 years ago completely. It was a long process of improving gradually.
It is ok to have this feeling now, since it is there. There is now need to beat you up for it, but you need to keep the will to improve and you can know, that it is possible and will happen. One thing that I realised: the state of depression is completely unnatural. I mean in the most positive and inspiring way, because we are not meant to be depressed. It is changable, you must always believe in this, even if you don’t feel it at the moment.
There is a reason for a depression and it can be found. Once you have found it you can eliminate it, or accept and reinterprete it if it is really not to eliminate. Reinterpreting it then can become an empowering source.
I think the depression is also a very valuable thing to grow from. When things become stressful again, that’s basically a challenge and chance to grow, to master yourself and life and find the love for it inside. Maybe it helped me also to develop my Inside-Out approach to life and to find the energy and power there. That’s a chance for sure.
Hi there Myrko,
Thank you for taking time to write this article, I have found it very useful.
I’m 27 but a recent set of life circumstances has meant that I chose to quit my (very well paying) job because it was the only thing keeping me in another unacceptable situation where I was living.
I have worked pretty much since since I was at college and all during university so I’ve suddenly inherited this enormous “time vacuum” that I’m finding hard to fill.
Part of me feels that now is the perfect time to do something else, develop my website or make other changes but I do rather get the feeling of being *stuck* because I can’t see it leading anywhere.
@Juan: I agree with you about the antidepressants, but I would also consider getting advice from a trained professional if you feel /really/ bad.
I am definitely not an expect on medications, but have been on them a few times.
The side effects are a bit crappy from even the more selective medications (Though these have to be considered alongside the benefits).
Also, they are sometimes necessary (Some people can get /really/ low) but only really intended as a stop gap (6 months – year) to make you strong enough to make the changes that you’ve felt unable to because you’ve felt so low.
Furthermore, it is very easy when you are on them to forget what it was like off them and coming off them needs to be done real careful and under advice
I’ve been off perscribed antidepressants for almost a year now, but I’m going to try something herbal like St. Johns Wort as I’ve read a lot of people who say it has helped them.
Thank you again Myrko I find your blog very helpful.
Hi,
I like all your blogs. I am new here. I am not even start write any thing yet. You are so lucky that this depression happened to you when you were young. Like you said, it changed you to be mature and to love your self and other more. It made you know the meaning of how to live your life. It prospers you for better your insight. I went to the same thing as you did. Mine, started when I was 44 years old. Well the truth is, the depression had been started since I was seven years old, and it still going until now (if I am not in the present moment). At age 44, because of depressing all my life, I got brain deseace calls Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis, and Schizophrenia. Now, I still live with anxieties, and some time, paranoid. I used these negative experiences to benefit others. I have to be gentle with my self a lot. If I can choose for these things to happen to me, I want to choose when I was young at your age or earlier. Then I can uses these negative experience to benefit others more. At age 38, I started practicing meditation. I started very seriously to cope with my depression, because I went to see many counselors, It still not help me. I thought wtih meditation I could find my sub-conscious mind to understand why I was the way I was. But, I feel that my meditation teacher play with my head that was why I lost myself, when he visited me, and after he left I became Psychosis. The reason I said that because my 14 years old boy told me that the Monk (teacher) spent time with him and send some kind of Energy toward him. My son came to me and told me about it. Normally, my son, since he was a little boy until now, he does not like to talk to me or tell me any thing if some friends hurt him or hit him. I went to ask the Monk, why he did that to my son about sending the energy? He was very mad at my question. His face turned red. And he did not talk to me. He walked away from me. The monk came visit me from another town. I let him sleep in my house. Before he came visit me, he wanted me to recruit follower for him. But, I am an introvert person. I like to teach and educate my self before I outreached others. I shared with only the person who is really interested to learn about meditation, and buddhism. I choose who is seriously want to know themselve. I think that if that person not ready, it is like to bring a horse to drink water in the river. A traveler can bring his horse to water, because he thinks that the horse is thirsty. But if the horse does not want a drink, he just starring at the river. That how I see about recruiting a person who is not ready.
I have to apologize for my writing. I am still practice how to write. I will start out by writing my feeling on the internet here. I also lost my memories since 2004 when I started my illness. My memories starts getting better little by little since 2008.
Well I have to go for now. Thank you for sharing your blog. It made me have a chance to share my struggle with others.
Hi there,
I chanced upon your website purely because I was searching for inspirational buddha quotes to send to my boyfriend who I suspect is clinically depressed. He was once a successful theatre manager. Two years ago, he was given a bursary to pursue a Master degree. He completed it last December. Since January this year, he has been looking for a job but has not been successful. He intends to teach theatre at universities but there has not been much positions open. He blames the market, the government, commercialism and is always angry at people and their incompetence. He cannot be travelling on a crowded train as he will burst in anger. He has his good days where he is putting on a face and bad cloud days where he breaks things and is rude but once he calms down he seems ok again.
I have been patient with him for almost five months now and I’m at my wit’s end. I tell him that I am here for him. I am committed to be with him. However, it has been difficult. It might seem foolish to stay with him but I know he needs me. I just want to be able to see him smile, be happy and grateful about life. We only have one life so why not make it a good one.
Recently, he has requested that he needs some time to be away from
everything but I can call him anytime. I know he has to take responsibility and help himself. However, what can partners to help someone who is clinically depressed?
Mercury, I’m no psychiatrist nor a psychologist, so I can only tell you from my perspective that that does not sound like a depression. Depression is characterized by low energy and more passive states. Not really anger which is (still) a more energetic state. It may come out of frustration here, which is still better than depression (since frustration usually believes in a possibility to improvement).
Instead of into anger he could focus his energy into something that brings him forward in any way. Maybe you can help him here if you like.
To answer your question – although I don’t think this is related to your situation – I think it can still be important for others: If you deal with a clinical depressed person, you have to realize that it is a actual brain dysfunction where the chemistry is out of balance. You can’t talk such a person into feeling better. This will usually frustrate him/her more. The best thing for me was someone who was understanding and who was not trying to improve me directly. It has to come indirectly out of making a real effort to understand and accept. Improvement usually takes time. As I said it’s important to remove the reason for the depression as the person sees it. Can be done by re-interpreting or as in my case by simple getting facts that prove that the reason is wrong (As I thought I may be terminally ill).
In general I think it is important to get GOOD professional help and maybe slight supporting medication. It’s hard enough to find good professional help, so as a supporter I would focus here to find a REALLY competent professional source for clinic depressive people. That could be a psychologist or psychiatrist. Move away fast from your house doctor, because those docs usually don’t know enough about depression (as I found out myself).
hi my name is andrea i can relate exactly to you i have been living in this numb low concious state for over a year and complete exhaustion i to think i a am suffering from a severe physical condition i have had numerous tests including a ct brain scan all normal yet i still noy convinced i didnt know depression could make a person feel so ill, i also suffer from blurred vision because my mind is so dull im currently taking 20 mg cipralex but no relief i dont know what to do i feel like i cant get better i dont know were to start, andrea
It’s normal that you have the feeling that it wont get better in a depression. But it will, and I want you to know that, even if you don’t feel it. But you can be sure and you can see it in my example. I know it’s pretty hard but you need to have some patience with it, while you improve slowly. There will be some time when you notice very small improvements and then you will notice them more, eventually you know that your depression will be gone. You must fight for this but be patient as well, never giving up.
You got the ct scan and you know you are fine. The symptoms are probably completely from the depression, it’s stronger than some physical conditions.
My advice is:
1. You know that it will get better, even if you still don’t feel it.
2. Get the best possible psychological help
3. Use anti-depressants (the effects of those also take time, you won’t notice too much first)
I could have written this story myself!!!! CRAZY!!! Thank you for sharing!! They still cannot explain what happend to me either when I lost my sight directly in front of me. It scared the life out of me and messed me up from there on out.
your story is an inspiration and I hope to be back there some day right now im in the middle of it all and also have a family to look after. this makes is so much worse as nobody understands and with young children its even harder, you have to force every day things to happen and at times you wish you could just hide away from it all but you are forced to get up and at least try to make it seem like things are ok in life. in the end life is just hard right now and im hoping ‘this shall come to pass’ as everybody says!
I also experienced the sight thing too, i just wonder if it has any link at all as the drs could not find anything.
I myself have battled with anxiety and no doctor until recently figured it out, Every other doc was putting me on depression pills and that wasn’t the issue, the issue was i couldn’t function or sit still for more than five minutes. I would get this feeling like i had to do this or that and it became really bad when i was unemployed. IF it wasn’t for my current doctor listening to me and trying something completely different did I start to get better. And the meds I take don’t turn me into a bowl of slush or lose motivation.
Hi Myrko,
While reading what you were saying,I felt like it was my story.
I felt exactly same when Depression started.And I also went from regular doctor to eye doctor to neurologist and finally I went to psychiatrist.
I am also taking antidepressants. It’s almost 4 years now.
I am not having real normal life because of this depression.
How did you come out of Depression?
What did you do for that?
Please tell me in details whatever you did.
I want to stop taking those tablets.
Love, while I’m no doctor I can of course only tell you what worked for me.
1. It takes some time, but improvements come.
2. I tried to find things that I still love to do and focussed there. No pressure but going with the flow. I went to where my heart was taking me and found some enjoyment in those things again.
3. I tried to educate myself and connect with other people having had a major depressive disorder. Same as you did here.
4. Keep the pills since they have an impact. It improves slowly but steadily.
5. Get a good psychologist (and psychiatrist too!) – I had no psychotherapy, but I think this would help too, finding someone who knows more about it and does not come from the medical but more psychological field.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best and most importantly, never lose your faith and believe that you will be fine again!
Myrko,
Your story sounds similar to what I experienced since returning from combat. I fell into a deep pit of darkness and despair which nearly destroyed me. Ultimately, I had to become responsible for myself, because as you eloquently stated, there is no safety net. People mean well but until they experience clinical depression they really have no idea what it’s like. I’m glad to say that I have regained my joy and happiness. Keep up the good work!!
Kevin
Kevin, I’m really happy for you. I know how dark and hopeless a clinical depression can feel. And I think when we realize the triggers (as the thinking loops without solutions) we can now avoid it for ourself and possibly help others. I wish you a happy and fulfilled life!
hi :) i’m 18 now too and i really loved your story and i’ve been feeling this numbness for over a month now and it’s very frustrating as i don’t have any energy to do anything in my life even things that could make me happy or being around people who i live and who care about me , all i need is to be left alone in my dark room for days with no one beside me ,, i just feel completely numb :( and sometimes it actually makes me feel good to want nothing in my life and to do nothing in my life but it makes the people around me uncomfortable when they’re with me because i’m not the same old me anymore .. i’m not sure if that’s the clinical depression you’re talking about but that’s just how i feel
thank you and wish you all the luck and happiness in your life :)
@Mariam: Maybe have a talk with a good psychologist. Spend some time or ask around to find someone good who you can trust. Keep in mind though, that you are always the one responsible and in control of yourself.
well, talk about some sort of fate! i’m 20 now, but i got diagnosed with depression when i was 18. i just started to get help in may of this year. earlier today i was sort of getting into that helplessness mood and then i stumbled across this post. i felt frustrated that i missed the end of my teenage years and will more than likely lose a few adult ones…but knowing someone else went through it eases my mind. if you can do it, i can do it! i keep feeling that no one can help me, but you’re right: only we can help ourselves.
so thank you for this post :) i’m glad i wound up here!
@Melissa: yes I think the core message here is twofold: 1) this too shall pass and 2) you are in charge (responsible). I’m sure you will come out of it soon, it sounds like you are on your way.
Regarding regret of having “lost” some years of your life: I look at it as “What did it gave me? What did I learned and got insights to, that other people didn’t get”. That’s empowering and you can actually feel some kind of thankfulness for the experience. It certainly deepened my view of my life and gave me gratitude and also drive to live my life fully!
This is very helpful, thank you. I have experienced depression before and come out of it, and am just beginning, I think, to dig myself out again. Reading this has really helped to encourage me. I’ve copied down several quotes from on here as I’ve found them so helpful.
Reading the description of what happened to you, and some others on here, I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was an extreme form of migraine? (Which surely the doctor’s should have picked up on – but doctors don’t know everything, and migraines do vary a lot.) I get loss of central vision with migraines, (with other visual disturbances too – coloured wavy lines) and although I’ve never had speech issues, I did read recently about someone who had a very similar experience with not being able to say the words they wanted – I think that’s a rare thing to happen with migraines though. I don’t think it lasted as long as your experience though. I just thought it worth mentioning, as migraines, for people who don’t know about them, can be very scary, and it might ease someone else’s worries.
Thanks @happiernow. I personally never had migraine before and afterwards. So I guess it was something else for me. My best guess is a hypertensive crisis.
Really inspiring story Myrko, Thanks for sharing! It really clicked with me your prognosis of ‘thinking loops without solutions,’ that’s always seems to get me, whenever I feel helpless to affect my desired outcome then I get depressed. Do you manage to keep yourself completely out of depression nowadays? I seem to fall into a weekend of depression once every fortnight at the moment, I keep telling myself that each episode has a lesson to teach me and usually I have to take action to change something in my life but I would prefer to find a way to avoid falling into these episodes.
@Dan, yes thankfully I’m completely free of depression for over… 13 years now. For me it was a special event that drew me into depression. So I also learned what kind of thinking-patterns (the helpless loop) can produce this kind of depression and try to actively avoid them.
Thanks for sharing Myrko, got back on the bandwagon today and made some changes inspired by your story. Hopefully this time it will be lasting :). Cheers!
That’s great to hear, Dan!
hey Myrko, thank you for this story. Going through something like this right now and the description of cars passing and you are not a part of it is very accurate. Im hopeful i’ll get out of this soon and be useful for the society again.
Hi Myrko, I went through almost a similar story… perhaps we should be also of same age.. for me the onslaught happened at 21 in 1996. Started with what Doctor’s say was a panic attack, and had an experience when i felt that I had absolutely no control over my thoughts… as if my mind and body were detached.. Went through terrible times for years without knowing that I was in depression (almost 10 years) and then accidentally found out while consulting an ENT for recurring head ache that I was clinically depressed. Hm.. i was kept away from knowing due to the learned helplessness. I went to take on medication and still on ‘em. i tried to wean off 2 years back switching to 5HTP, however the depression set back in again with the same intensity after a 5 to 6 months period.
I felt, that I lost many of my good years at the prime stage of my life… but yeah! this may have been for a reason. The things i learned became my priced possession and formula for the success i am experiencing now. Perhaps if I was just normal, the thirst to know life deeper would have never occurred. I want to come out of this completely, and right now searching on how to come out of medications through lifestyle changes… When you said you are out of it, is it without any medical support?
@jw: I took some anti-depressants after the diagnosis. When it got better I quit using them after about 6-12 months. While they helped, I felt my inner work, looking for a conscious way to improve my life and finding new challenges in my passions (starting a new internet startup) where the things that made me overcome the depression completely. It was a new life with real possibilities and personal growth, and ultimately the path which lead me to open this website.
Thank you SO MUCH for relaying your experiences. It’s so good to know that it’s a human condition and not just a “me” condition. Not to mention that you wrote it so eloquently and down-to-earth :) I am recovering from my 2nd bout of depression and I feel as if I have buried myself over again. I feel as if I’m coming back to life…which is surreal, miraculous, and stupefying. I relate to everything you are saying, and kudos for being such a strong, relatable, and insightful individual. Cheers to you!! (And me…and everyone else lol)
Dear Myrko,
This was a beautiful and motivating story! (too bad I look at motivation just as the red colored letters “m-o-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n” of how depressed and empty I am right now (and btw I don’t know why they’re red colored :P) )
But I still appreciate it very much as I simulate some artificial kind of motivation :)
Also, I want to ask you two questions:
1.Do all of the things that you watch/listen/do at your depressive/anxious stage really become instinctively unpleasant and place themselves in your memory as “ugly and bad”. Or are you able to enjoy the old type of activities/games/shows/music/etc when you come back from depression?
2.Do you still use antidepressants? Are they for life? And if not, how long did you take them?
(btw I am one of those who doesn’t look at “lowered sex drive” as a side effect, but as a benefit! A lifesaver! How about that one? Is that one really true?)
3.Is not enjoying music at all a valid indicator of depression? I ask because I’m such a musically driven type of person and there are soooo many days lately when any kind of music in general feels like a pure meaningless noise to me…
@Niko:
1. No, many of my memories back to this time have a positive touch to them. So it’s not just negative. I remember for instance making new friends I still have today. Those are just good memories. Of course I also remember tougher times. But I remember them just for what they were. So my memories are not clouded by the depressive state I was in 15 years ago. They are just normal memories.
2. No I don’t take antidepressants for 14 years now. So as soon as I came out of the depressive state I stopped using them. I have to add that they weren’t very strong medications.
Lowered sex drive probably just comes along with lower energy and emotion, from what I can remember. But it’s admirable to have an empowering perspective on that!
3. Yes I think this is just the same symptom as when other experiences doesn’t seem too meaningful.
All in all I would remind you of what I said in the beginning of the post: This too shall pass. Never forget that.
Get good help with a psychological trained person and probably some medication that fits when your doc/therapist things it makes sense.
I also found it valuable to look for what you learn from the depression that makes you stronger. I learned personal responsibility. It was a life empowering experience for me in the end. I came out stronger. There is a good side to everything.
I wish you all the best!
Thank you so much for the answers Myrko! You are very kind!
I completely agree with all that you’ve said. I am glad that all the answers are as I expected them to be!
I am so glad that you learned a lot from your depression, and came back from it, I am sure I will learn from my depression too and I already have learned a lot.
And yes just as you said “this too shall pass”, that is exactly what’s always on my mind at my toughest moments.
There’s no “giving up” word in my dictionary so I am sure it’s just a matter of time :)
This not a big deal, i i’ve had several episodes of depression in my life and came out of them which lasted for months together….
but presently i am going through worst phase of my life, i am in clinical depression from last 2 and half years now, i’ve struggled a lot in my life i am a 36 year old guy, i started my career in 2002 on zero by 2009 i had achieved a good position in business. but in 2010 the people with whom i was associated in business deceived me and i suffered loses and lost my office showroom construction business, and was thrown out of a company for which i used to work as consultant,
meanwhile i fell in love with a young girl and remained with her while i was concentrating on her my business was going down and down. finally in 2011 on one night when i was with my beloved girl a thought came to my mind that what i am going to offer to my beloved i have nothing i’ve lost every thing.
and this was the point clinical depression started takeing toll on my life. i started to get panic attacks couldnt find any thing new to start with i used to get solace with my girl, so most of the times i used to be in her company to escape my sorrows and worries. then she started to remain ill i used to concentrate more on her, day by day i was sinking and sinking makeing nothing, one more bad thing happened i met a serious accident broke my rib and my car got totally damaged, this resulted in more severe problem i came under debt from bank and could not pay my credit card bills.
worst was yet to come, as i was on antidepressants one among was TRAZODONE i suffered 40 hour priapism by takeing it… weathered with pain, which resulted in penile tissue damage and i lost my man hood… no erection.
few days after it my pregnant wife gave birth to a baby boy who died at birth. now i am in deep deep clinical depression still i try to lay my hands on new ventures BUT SUCCESS IS NO WHERE in this situation of depression and despair i am trying to establish a new business, struggling makeing nothing for me my wife life has become hell i most of the times think to quit…
still i try to struggle success is no where . my life is miserable nothing is working for me I am stuck in depression in panic despair. I don’t know when will I come out of this situation and come in a business which I enjoy to do and enjoy my life again…
i have desire to come to life again…
@Bilal Khan, a tough story of course and thanks for being so open and sharing it. It’s always important to realize that although we may have a difficult history, the power to create our future is always now, and always new.
You are not your past. And your past does not equal your future.
Your past mistakes or experiences are only stepping stones and something that you learned.
I always find it useful to ask the question: What did I really learn from the past? How did my story shaped me and made me stronger and unique? I personally learned to take full responsibility for my life and to get in charge, take control over my life.
Use these experiences to grow stronger. Find a vision for yourself to fuel your desire and come to life again, starting now.